Really, I have no words. Well, of course I have words, but nothing is jumping out at me to write. I look back and see the faithfulness of God. I look forward and see excitement. But, right here, right now I really just have tears. They actually have been needing to fall for a while. I allow my heart to grow numb so that I don't miss home, feel like a complete failure and long for that grass that looks so green over there. I go through the motions of a day so that everything just works. When I stop and be still is when I realize how hard this place is. What could be so hard about living in Paris? I have actually become quite fascinated with all things Paris. But, living in a new language is difficult, the work is hard and the battle is sometimes just too tough. And I, in my inadequacy and brokenness, that I have prayed for, cry. Sometimes there are words in songs that just soothe my soul. This one is for today.
Still
Watermark
"The more I get alone the more I see I need to get alone more-Cause just when I think that I'm alone Your Spirit calls out to me-And even silence has a song cause that's when You come sing over me-Still, let me be still-Let me be okay with the quiet in my heart-Still, I want to be still I'm so quick to move instead of listening to You-Shut my mouth crush my pride give me the tears of a broken life-Still-All this world, it falls around me and flutters all it's beauty in my eyes-But let me choose the solitude simplicity has always simply changed my life-And even stillness makes me move cause that's when my heart learns to dance with you-Still, let me be still-Let me be okay with the quiet in my heart-Still, I want to be still I'm so quick to move instead of listening to You-I'm your child tame my heart, obedience to me impart, still-hold me, cleanse me, change me, oh God, change me while I am Still, let me be still-And know that you are God and You're always enough-Still, I want to be still to take all that I am and simply lift it up-Shut my mouth, crush my pride, give me the tears of a broken life-Still."
Once again, I find myself thankful for a Savior, as I'm surrounded by those who do not know that they have One. I'm thankful for those mercies that truly are new everyday. And, I'm even thankful that while God is not safe and always the Giver of ease and comfort, He is good. He is drawing me to holiness not happiness. So, what do I do? I grit my teeth and get my hands dirty. And, I cry, because I cannot do it. In and of myself I cannot do it.
About Me
- Mindy
- "You make known to me the path of life. In Your presence there is fullness of joy. At Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." --Psalm 16:11
3 comments:
Um, can I just say that's exactly how I feel with the deployment?!!! And now I find myself anxiously nervous about the end of all of it. Like, I am so super excited it is ending, but at the same time, I have allowed myself to harden and get used to being single. I am praying for you!!!!
Hey Mindy!! I read this post, and I so remember those feelings! Man, I wish I could say something that would help you on days like that, but you really do just have to grin and bare them. It does get easier! Eventually, you will adapt, and the obsession with all things Paris will grow just to be an obsession with your home. I must say, I miss Europe so much most days, and I find myself watching movies to see the sights and hear the languages. I check up on you lots just to make sure you are doing ok because I am thinking about you!
Lu Pearl,
great word sister! I love you SO much, and I am SO glad that I got to see you and your new City/Country/Life!
This past Sunday in Sunday School we discussed whether promised blessing in the Bible were for this life or the next. The teacher said the latter, but I disagree. I say both. We will not always be happy, and we will have tough times. And our greatest blessings will be in the next life.
But a Steven Curtis Chapman line and a couple examples in the Bible tell me that we also have promises in this life. And I hope that they bring a smile, change those tears from sorrow ones to ones of joy, and bring encouragement!
The SCC line: "cause Jesus came to give us life in the here and now"
And the two examples in the Bible are Abraham and Job.
Abraham trusted God enough to be willing to sacrifice his son, and his faith and works were rewarded. And after all of Job's struggles, his faith was rewarded enormously.
All that to say that there is hope, and as your mom likes to say, this too will pass.
I love you tons sister, and I BELIEVE in you!!!!!
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